Why Validation Matters When You Have BPD

This week’s podcast is about why validation matters when you have Borderline Personality Disorder.

I want to share a story I'm not so proud of. Recently I had a HUGE BPD episode. Like broken lamp and broken plants huge. I was very, very upset because I felt unseen, unheard, and invalidated about a change I need to make for my mental health.

My husband’s reasoning for the invalidation was because of his own fear about that change. He wasn’t inherently trying to invalidate me, but he was inadvertently doing so. The episode lasted quite a while until I was able to express not my anger but my sadness and my hurt. And he got it. It clicked for him. He was finally able to validate and boom, we were on the path to repair. And I had some cleaning up to do. In my bedroom and my marriage.

Validation matters and it works, because when you have BPD you’ve faced an extreme amount of invalidation by people who have likely said “you’re too much”, “your feelings are too big”, etc. etc. Validation challenges the internalized shame that comes with these experiences.

Why else?

It helps regulate intense emotions

Feeling understood calms the nervous system. When emotions are validated, intensity often decreases enough for coping skills to work.

It builds safety and trust in relationships

Validation communicates: “You make sense to me.” This reduces fear of abandonment and strengthens connection.

It separates feelings from behavior

Validation says emotions are real without approving harmful behaviors (like throwing a lamp), which supports accountability and growth.

It lowers escalation and conflict

Feeling dismissed can rapidly increase anger or distress. Validation often prevents emotional spirals.

It supports skill use (especially DBT skills)

People are more able to use coping skills once they feel heard and grounded.

It helps build a stable sense of self

Being consistently validated helps a person trust their own internal experiences rather than constantly doubting them.

Validation helps people with BPD feel safe enough to calm down, reflect, and change—which is why it’s a cornerstone of effective treatment and relationships.

Next time you notice that you or your partner are experiencing distress, practice your validation skills. They go A LONG WAY.