A Letter To Me When I Got Diagnosed
Dear Sara,
Sweet Sara - I know you are very confused. Life feels heavy and big and you feel small in the holes and the darkness of it all. You feel like you’re being swallowed whole and there is nobody to help catch you in it. There is this thing inside you that they call Borderline Personality Disorder. It is making your life very difficult, your relationships strained, and your thoughts about yourself darker than most people could fathom feeling. You have just been given this title that feels correct, and you know that.
Here is what I want you to know.
It is okay that the title of BPD is correct. It does not make you bad, broken, or dirty. It is an explanation. It represents the years of trauma that you have endured and the ways in which that trauma has formed you and influenced your behavior. BPD simply means that your feelings are huge - it does not mean that you are manipulative, mean, stupid, or any other title that the world may want to give you in their confusion of you. BPD means that feeling is your superpower.
If you can just hold on, those three words, Borderline Personality Disorder, will bring you to a community you never knew existed. There are other people like you who are so full of life, creativity, and grit that you will be constantly in awe of them. They will remind you that the living is possible and that when we are in service of that community, we find purpose.
You are 23 years old now, and I am writing to you one day before you turn 32 years old. I am writing you because I know that you need a hand holding for a moment. I know that you are afraid of what this means for you. I want you to know that it turns out pretty okay. There are still really dark days, except that now you have a strong understanding that they will fade into beautiful days. There are moments with so much joy that you cannot even believe the self-hate ever existed. There are moments so full of laughter and awe at the world that you have the energy to endure the days that you didn’t think you could. There is a partner now who sees you for exactly who you are. All the fucked-upness and scary. All the weird and confusing. He is not afraid of you. Yes, you married a man - very weird, right? Don’t worry, you do not lose your queerness.
Sweet Sara - I want you to know that if you can hold on, life gets pretty good. You turn out pretty okay. Probably more than okay. Know this: even when you feel unlovable, you are so loved.
Hold on,
Sara
