Radical Acceptance Is Hard… And It Matters
Listen, the world feels like it’s burning around me. I can’t keep up with the terrible news cycle that continues to come our way. I’m watching people of color that I love fact unsafety and as a queer person I too worry about my safety in this country. As a mentally ill person I worry about the future of mental healthcare. Will I be able to access the very necessary medication that I’m prescribed to stay alive? Will I be able to attend therapy as I always have? Or will these services be reduced because of a healthcare system that aims to make money rather than make us healthy.
That’s just the here and now.
Throw on the trauma. The sexual assaults. The times I really was incredibly unsafe. The grief. The people I lost because of their addiction and mental health. The no-contact parent who I so desperately want in my life. Throw on the moments of suffering and the moments of stress that throw us right back into those feelings and safety-seeking behaviors. This shit is really, really hard.
And yet, what can we do? We work our plans. We work our steps. We stay sober if that’s your jam like it is mine. And, if we’re really brave, we practice radical acceptance.
I used to think radical acceptance was a betrayal of self. As if I was accepting the trauma, the abuse in the world, the class differences, the insecurities of housing and finance and food that many face, and the, well, everything. I thought that radical acceptance meant that I was saying “it’s okay they hurt me” and “it’s okay I hurt them”. It was my natural instinct to get sad and angry about the past. How could I instead practice accepting it? Wouldn’t that just hurt me more? I also thought that if I practiced radical acceptance it meant I was completely putting my guard down and no longer protecting myself from the situations and people who once put me at risk.
Wrong. Radical acceptance was none of that. But it took me a while to come to that precious conclusion.
Here is the definition of radical acceptance: “Radical acceptance is a concept rooted in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that involves fully acknowledging and embracing the present moment, including its difficulties and discomforts, without trying to change or control it. It is about recognizing that some parts of life are beyond our control, and struggling against them only leads to further suffering. This practice allows individuals to let go of the emotional struggle that arises when they fight against what cannot be changed, enabling them to focus on how to respond constructively to their situation.”
Radical acceptance does not mean liking something or giving up on something. It does not mean no longer protecting yourself or keeping a watchful eye if you need. It is acknowledging the truth. That even though you hate it or it hurts, it happened. You no longer cling to what “should have been” and begin to recognize “what is”.
Radical acceptance for me meant being willing to use the word “rape” rather than dance around what had really happened to me. It was the key to getting sober. Without surrendering to what I had done in my addiction, even when I didn’t like it, I couldn’t get sober. I accepted the need to be sober and name myself as an addict. Radical acceptance meant stopping anxiously talking with my mother about how my father stopped being in contact with me because that was only increasing my anxiety and it wasn’t going to change his behavior. It was hurting my relationship with my mother as well, and I didn’t want that.
Radical acceptance means that we stop resisting. And god damn do I want that for you.
How do we practice it?
Start by noticing when you are fighting reality. You might find yourself saying things like “this shouldn’t happen to me” or “I can’t believe this is happening to me”. In these moments you’re likely experiencing emotion dysregulation. Practicing using your mindfulness skills and emotion regulation skills can help you return to baseline so you can see the truth, rather than the emotions masking the truth.
Try some mantras. Things like “this is what is true and how I feel about it is okay”. Recognition may not inherently bring peace but it means you’re no longer fighting the truth. Eventually this can lead to you no longer engaging in behaviors that further contribute to your suffering. Like me talking with my mother rapidly and frequently.
Practice self-validation. You might say to yourself “I am a good person, even when I’ve done things that aren’t so good” or “I’m loveable even though this person no longer wants to be in my life”. How you speak to yourself matters.
Keep using your skills even when you don’t want to. It’s freaking hard to use the STOP skill or the TIPP skill but without it we keep hurting. Ask the people around you to help you engage in your skills use. Teach them about what you need through showing them the DBT manual or watching YouTube videos about DBT with them. Practice your journaling skills. Don’t forget on Patreon I have 100+ free journal prompts for anyone to access.
Yes, radical acceptance is difficult, but it’s so very necessary because we don’t deserve to hurt any longer.
BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS
Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
