How To Check The Facts
Sometimes our emotions are not based on facts. For example, my husband was upset with me the other night when I told him I wanted to buy a kitchen island instead of him making me one. I said “you’re not a carpenter and I want a specific island” but let’s be real I said it in a snarky tone. He told me his feelings hurt because of what I said and I got angry. He left the room because he was using his skills but that frustrated me even more.
Was it fair that I got angry? I don’t know. Are emotions fair or not? Behavior can be fair though. My emotion wasn’t based in the facts. I know that because he didn’t say or do anything other than say his feelings were hurt. He didn’t attack me, say anything mean to me or put me in any emotional or physical danger. Anger is what I felt and that’s okay, but it wasn’t based on the facts of the situation.
What might have been more effective feeling wise was to feel sadness that I hurt his feelings or feelings of guilt. Guilt, NOT SHAME, is a healthy and appropriate feeling. It tells us we’ve done something wrong. But anger really wasn’t based in the facts of the situation. How do I know? Good question.
Insert DBT fact checking. What even is that?
“The "Check the Facts" skill is a crucial component of DBT that encourages individuals to
evaluate their emotional reactions based on objective evidence rather than assumptions or
interpretations. This skill is particularly useful in managing intense emotions and
improving interpersonal relationships by fostering clearer communication and
understanding.”
Why do we check the facts?
While my emotion of anger wasn’t really an effective or factual response to the scenario at hand, I didn’t say anything mean or do anything hurtful after I started to experience it. In this case, then, checking the facts really isn’t super necessary because I don’t have to analyze any inappropriate behavior. In the moment though if I feel at risk of doing something inappropriate it’s helpful to stop and check the facts. If I had thrown something across the room or started to, you had better believe that fact checking would be necessary. Checking the facts is important because it helps us regulate our emotions and prevent any inappropriate behavior that might come from it.
So, how do we check the facts?
Before we get into the steps of fact checking, we must stop what we’re doing. Talon helped me by walking away in the moment. But if he hadn’t done that then I would have needed to stop talking and sit still or exit the kitchen because I had noticed I was getting angry. If I was so overwhelmed with my emotions that I couldn’t cope I would have used the TIPP skill by putting ice on my forehead. And then I would return to check the facts. Here are the steps:
Identify the emotion Determine what emotion you want to change. This could be feelings of anger, sadness, or anxiety.
My feeling, looking back, that I want to change was anger.
Describe the event Identify the specific event that prompted your emotional response. Focus on observable facts rather than interpretations.
The event was that my husband and I were sitting at the kitchen table talking about finances and how I’d like to do a kitchen remodel. He does not want to do a kitchen remodel because of the money. I want to at least add an island to our kitchen. He wants to build the island to prevent spending money on it and I want to buy an island so that I’m able to get the island that I want. I told him that he wouldn’t be able to build me what I want and he became quiet, told me I’d hurt his feelings, and walked away.
What are my interpretations, thoughts, and assumptions about the event? Think of other possible outcomes.
My interpretation of the event was that my husband didn’t want me to get what I wanted and doesn’t value my preference for a kitchen style. I also felt frustrated because I want to spend my money in a way that matters to me and I felt like he was telling me how to spend my money. I also assumed that he was going to become angry after I made that statement and often other people’s anger triggers my own.
Am I assuming a threat? Label the threat.
I was assuming that my husband would become angry, which feels like an inherent threat to me. However, because I know my husband very well I recognize (later) that when his feelings are hurt this does not mean he is going to become angry.
What’s the catastrophe? The worst possible outcome. And how could I cope with it?
The catastrophe is that Talon would become angry with me, although I know that he does not do anything unsafe in his anger, so the catastrophe is not bigger than that.
Do my emotions actually fit the facts? Ask wise mind.
My emotions do not fit the facts because Talon posed no threat to me, presented with no inappropriate or mean behavior, and wasn’t angry himself. Anger was not an effective response to the scenario.
So, next time you notice you have strong emotions consider checking the facts to see if it can help you change your emotions to something more manageable.
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